What is Divorce Recovery?
Divorce recovery is a period lasting at least several months in which a person loses and then recaptures a sense of self, a settled faith in Christ that integrates all aspects of the divorce, and connections with people. It is the process of healing from the wounds, sins, and trauma of a dissolved marriage.
Some Key Aspects of Divorce Recovery
Having watched a number of people who have gone through this process it seems to me that it includes at least these elements:
- Facing the fact of the breakup. Divorce recovery begins on the day you truly face the fact that your marriage is over. Many poeple take months or years to get started on divorce recovery because they will not, or cannot, face the fact that their marriage is dead.
- Becoming reasonably settled in new friendships, family connections, and social interactions. This can include a change in location, a job change, going back to work, changing churches. It also includes finding key people who’s presence and/or advice prevents unnecessary suffering on top of the unavoidable misery of a divorce. Divorce recovery usually involves giving your connections with people a complete makeover to fit well with your new needs and capacities to give.
- An identity change that produces every bit as much upheaval as a turbulent adolescence or a mid life crisis. Ideally, it results in a person to both say and feel, “The marriage may be dead, but I’m not; and I can be a happy, purposeful person who rebuilds successfully.” It also includes redefining what it means to be a mom or a dad and changed beliefs about what is necessary to have a strong sense of family.
- A wise and thorough grieving of all the losses entailed by the divorce.
- A personal sifting of the lessons learned.
- A self-assessment of one’s own style of relating to a husband or wife that may have caused or exascerbated problems in the marriage.
- A reaffirmation of belief in the institution of marriage after a season of cynicism and disillusionment.
- A deeper sense of being forgiven by a gracious Heavenly Father. This includes sorting out all the many tangled issues of conscience that seem to plague conscientious followers of Christ.
- Damage Assessment: A realistic assessment of specific ways that your ex-spouse has harmed you. One the reasons that people get stuck in unforgiveness is that they have not adequately faced, taken inventory, and felt the emotions of how they have been hurt or wronged.
- Forgiving: Finding the freedom in Christ to: (a) let go of anger or grudges; (b) Choose to no longer hold anything against your ex; (c) Catching your self thinking thoughts like, “I really hope that works out well for him/her…” When we have forgiven someone we don’t have to pretend to be happy for someone’s blessings.
- Taking responsibility for your life in the present, not in the sense of blame, but in the sense of, “I am the one responsible for what I do with my life from this point on.”
- Finding one’s own unique style of being single and being hopeful and confident for the future. This includes resolving your views of dating, sex, marriage, and commitment. It even includes being playful again. It’s not just about being older and wiser, it’s about being confidently wiser. This new confidence involves the desire to love and be loved again, knowing the perilous risks that genuine love always brings into our lives.
